Multiocular.blog

I’m a guy who has recently had to start using the bathroom a lot! This is my review of all the bathrooms at Lighthaven starting with all the bathrooms in Building A: Aumann. I have named these 4 bathrooms Liquid, Solid, Solidus, and The Boss. This is a many layered reference, please clap.

Located near the kitchen area of Building A, Liquid, Solid, and Solidus form a complex with each other. They’re siblings or rather imperfect clones but their individual personalities still manage to shine through. Liquid is the first bathroom on the left eager to be my first choice but its imperfections quickly become apparent to me. Black nondescript floors, a black ceiling, and black walls contrasted with wood paneled accent walls didn’t leave much of an impression but fittingly there’s a large painting of a sailboat on the sea by the commode. A single recessed linear fixture winds paths around the ceiling and down the wall only to be interrupted by a full length mirror! And the door just barely scrapes past the corner of the sink. There’s a tension in Liquid, a sense he just wasn’t put together right, that’s not present in his twin brother, Solid, across the wall.

Solid uses all the same interior elements as Liquid, down to the identical plant in the corner, but small details draw the experience together instead of highlighting the flaws. A half-height wall, matched in material to the wood panel walls, provides some additional privacy when relieving oneself, while the smaller floor area is less open and vulnerable. A stern dark photograph of the diagonal lines of a corrugated metal roof suggests that whatever you’re doing in here, it’s got some sturdiness behind it. The door is sensibly oriented.

If not for this comprehensive review many residents here at Inkhaven might not ever learn about the hidden third bathroom on the first level of A since it is only accessible from outside! It’s tucked into a junk space accessible either by a ramp walkway located near the Onion, through the backdoor of the Glass Hall, or through Mag’s office. This curious explorer poked around next to a disused phone booth and found a surprise third bathroom that shares a wall with the other two, Solidus! Solidus is no joke. A full cowboy mural on one wall and various astronaut toy decorations on the other greet you immediately upon entering. Everything the other two bathrooms do, Solidus does better. Dimmable lighting, Rounded full length mirror that shows the user in front of a cowboy scene. Instead of a regular toilet, Solidus has a bidet (the ever reliable Toto Washlet). Instead of a piddly box cabinet with your contractor grade ceramic sink and faucet, Solidus has a black raised bowl sink with a matching faucet coming straight out of the wall. The faucet handle is also mounted to the wall, claaa-ssy! And the power on the waterflow of this faucet! Reader, I don’t exaggerate when I say this faucet blew me away when I set it to full blast, it really sprays like a hose. Solidus has a transcendent, powerful air, like if the President of the US was a cyborg and just like if the president were a cyborg it also feels malevolent and a little pathetic. Most of the bathrooms in Lighthaven have a drawer with an offering of menstrual products that ranges from functional to generous. Both Liquid and Solid have these clearly labeled under the sink. They are in touch with their Anima. In Solidus, this drawer is small and you have to lean awkwardly over the side of the sink or twist on the seat to even notice it. You cannot open the drawer fully as it’s blocked by the controls of the bidet…

What can I say about The Boss? She is upstairs in Building A nestled between several guest rooms. Her floor is black marbled tile. She’s got a white marble panel accent wall. Her lighting is a sophisticated cloud ceiling concealing a full perimeter cove light supported by full dim to warm controls. She’s got two reasonably sized…. windows. Put simply The Boss is just better than the other three bathrooms in Aumann. She’s the synthesis of function and elegance, beautiful and practical. She’s got a full towel shelf. She’s got a hanger for your clothes. She’s got a bidet but she’s not stupid and arrogant about it like Solidus is. She’s got something you wouldn’t even think to want in a bathroom, a full length white board wall, where this author left his distinct mark. A multitudinous array of toiletries can be found in the large cabinet just outside the door. The Boss WILL take care of you. Yet my time in her was strange. When I took my clothes off and popped a window open for ventilation (no overhead vent, she’s old-school) and stood beneath the waterfall shower head I could see the street outside. This combined with the general open design of the shower area induced in me a feeling that I was being an exhibitionist; that I was showering out in the open above the street below. No boundaries like the Earth itself. After I stepped out of the shower I weighed myself on the scale under the towel shelf. 157.8 pounds. “Buddy, you are not doing well,” I thought to myself. When life ends, it gives off a final lingering aroma. In The Boss that lingering aroma is Poo-Pourri, Before-You-Go toilet spray… Original Citrus.

Stay vigilant for the next part of this series where I will travel the depths and heights of Bayes in search of new restroom revelations and maybe even… take a bath!